Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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