if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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