these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
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