We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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