I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
