They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
