There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
