I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
