Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
