im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
