apparently the secret to your success is patron
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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