How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
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