If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just invented taco cereal.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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