# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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