i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize