You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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