Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
