first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
