i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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