I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
