Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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