I wanna bring you to show and tell
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm both gender and math confused
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
