I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
