one word: firstdatebathroomanal
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
