Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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