Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
