It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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