Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
