Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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