you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
