just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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