Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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