life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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