i already hear my dad disowning me
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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