Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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