Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
