Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Randomize
