I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
