Operation Purity has been aborted
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
