I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize