I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
