she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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