UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
