He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
