i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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