At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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