this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
