I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
