how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
