Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
