Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
someone owes me an orgasm
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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