drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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