just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
