there's paper in my vomit.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize