i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
