new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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