I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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