she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
