Sry I called you an 8
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
