To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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