so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
