He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
