A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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