I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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